Never A Mistake

Often I ask myself about some of the things in my past and wonder if I could change things would I?  Was it a mistake to date someone who ultimately was not Mr Right?  Was it a mistake to get married since it ended in divorce? Was it a mistake I only had one child?  Was it a mistake in how I lived so that I had breast cancer?  … all of the questions are valid, but most often I find the answers surprisingly to be no.

All those experiences led me to where I am and who I am now.  The wrong men led me to the right one.  The marriage was wonderful until the alcohol took over…and even though we divorced a part of me loved him to his dying day.  And as wonderful as my daughter is, I can’t imagine not having that special bond with only her if I would have had more than one child.

Now the cancer has its own set of circumstances.  There are no clear ideas on why or who gets it, so maybe it was my lifestyle that did it, but in some ways it made me much stronger.  I had a bunch of choices through my treatments too, but if I had gone a different route I may not have been so lucky to have made it past year 13 of survival.

I guess what I am trying to say is that not all “bad” things in your life are mistakes.  Each obstacle makes you stronger and wiser.  That doesn’t mean there are not regrets from time to time, but at least the way I see it there are no true mistakes.

High School Flashbacks

The past came crashing back.  It hit me like a semi taking out a car in an accident.  I just watched The Perks Of Being A Wallflower and was reminded of all I hated about my days in school.  I suffered from anxiety back then although it was never diagnosed… I was just called shy and told to get over it.  I think that is why I have been feeling so depressed lately.

My father had a surgery and I moved in temporarily to try to help take care of him and save money on home health care.  I feel like that shy child again, because I am cut off from friends outside of internet connections.  I spent much of middle school without friends and only limited ones in high school.  I feel alone like I did back then.

So how do I undo this emotional flash back and get back to the present?  How do I find the hope in friendships and the freedom of being able to come and go as I want to?  How do I return to adulthood without abandoning my Dad?

I have to remember that he is healing and getting better… this will not last forever.  I know my anxiety and depression is here to stay but it is TREATABLE.  I have to remember my positive attitudes, medications and gentle escapes in activities I enjoy can all give me benefits.

Writing can help me purge the emotions that overwhelm me.  I can relive the joys and gentle peace of nature through my collection of photographs I have taken on many walks through the area parks and bicycle paths.  And if I just want to check out from reality I can immerse myself in a game on the internet.  There are ways to cope, I just have to stay focused to remember them.

Today I will make it through.  My past lead me to a lot of days and nights of tears.  I can work through bad days, hours, minutes one moment at a time.  I will focus on the hope of a wish made on a dandelion breath.

Digimax A50 / KENOX Q2
Digimax A50 / KENOX Q2