Today’s happiness was a sigh of relief. I have a vivid imagination…which in turn means when I worry I can cook up a million terrifying scenarios as to the outcome of a situation. My best friend went silent a little over a week ago and my mind went wild.
My friend and I have kept in close contact for a while now… usually at least 3 or 4 times a week we will text each other, if not talk too. After the third text was not replied to my mind went into overdrive. I had every horror scene playing through my thoughts. I believe I called 4 times at different hours to try to find him, but each call went straight to voicemail.
I tried to calm myself reminding me that he said he cracked his phone screen… maybe it is his phone is out of commission, or maybe he met a bear on a mountain trail? Do you see how my brain works with the worry… I credit my mom for a lot of it. She was a first class worrier too.
But today the imagination was shut down by the vibration of my cell phone. My friend called and I no longer could blame the evil clowns for his demise. He was fine, although has a cold. It was his phone was broken and had to wait for payday to get it fixed. You know… that makes sense. The worst case scenarios can be tucked away for now, until the next thing happens to make my mind wander…
Today has been a struggle. From the friend who has been absent for a week now – in my run away mind I have gone through all the worst case scenarios as to why he is out of contact; to the pain and fatigue my fibromyalgia has left me with today I, am finding it hard to find happiness.
I have thought all day about what to write and keep hearing those negative voices that tell me not to bother, I can’t finish the challenge, I can’t be happy about anything, etc. But tonight as I was writing something for my therapist to read at the next appointment we have on Thursday it came to me… writing today is my happiness.
To have the chance to write my concerns down and let my head have a rest from them for a little while really helps me loosen the grip on the pain and anguish I feel. Even if it only lasts a short time, the outlet of writing helps me sort through things in a way nothing else can.
So I want to thank my readers for being there to “listen” to my ramblings… I hopefully will have something a little more upbeat tomorrow. In the mean time I am off to try a meditation to help me find some sleep. I hope you know I appreciate each of you taking the time to be my audience. (((HUGS)))
What do you say to a friend who wants to die? How do you balance the purely selfish need to keep your friend versus their need to end the horrible pain they are in. I know he is in a deep depression and that is a lot of why he is talking like that. But his life has been one disaster after another. He has been homeless, abused, and spent time in jail. The family he still has is not supportive at all. He has only a handful of friends. The worst part for me is he now lives a thousand miles away. Add in the depression and he is even further away.
I know depression. I myself have been in a place where death seemed so much easier than life. I had enough friends and family around that I knew I needed help and got it. My friend is alone a lot. And that terrifies me. The fine line I must balance is between being a friend while offering support and becoming too pushy.
I know I cannot control him. I know I cannot stop him. All I can do is love him and hope this depression lessens soon for him. In the mean time I wait and worry. I know he has the numbers to reach out to. He is strong no matter how he feels right now. The magnitude of what he has survived so far is enormous. I know he is tired. But he can overcome this. I have to believe that. I love him like a brother and I always will. We go through this depression as best as we can, together in heart.