Again with the words and ramblings…

It has been a long week… only three days really.  I have depression, I have had thoughts of suicide before and have made plans in the past but never been able to go through with it (mainly because I have a daughter I cannot hurt that way).  This week I learned first hand how it can affect others.

A friend who was visiting me decided to try to end her life on my couch.  The details are not important… the pain is.  I have dealt with every emotion at least a thousand times and back around again.  I have felt guilty for not knowing she was in that much pain.  I have been angry at both her and myself.  I have of course felt extreme sadness over her efforts. And even joy… the moment I saw her eyes open again and knew she would live.

Now as she deals with the fact that she is still here she is angry.  The nurses say that is normal.  She will not talk to anyone, refuses visitors or phone calls and will not let any information be shared with friends or family.  I sit and worry she will hate me forever for stopping her efforts.

Knowing now the true scope of emotions I am feeling on this side of a suicide attempt makes it even more clear to me to work things out somehow.  Talk to my therapist.  Reach out to family or friends.  Use a suicide lifeline to talk to someone detached from my life.  Just keep trying to find help.  There IS help out there.  I would much rather be awakened by a friend at 4 am to talk about a major problem than see them in the ER full of tubes and wires trying to regain a descent blood pressure.

I have done all I could to be “clinical” about it all since Wednesday, but the shell is starting to crack.  I suppose that could be because I forgot my morning meds today for both my depression and anxiety, but I know there is only so long the emotions can be reigned in.  I shed tears tonight.  I talked to a friend briefly.  And, as I have done so many other nights, I write.

The words have been purged, the emotions somewhat lifted and my tears are dry.  I will pray for sleep, peace of mind and health for my friend.  And those of you who took the time to read this… tell those you care about how you feel.  You never know when kind words can change someones day and life.

**PLEASE consider the suicide lifeline if you are thinking of taking your own life… 1-800-273-8255 also a live chat available online