I sit here listening to the hands tick slowly on the clock. Another night wide awake and needing to sleep. So as my mind clicks from thought to thought and the clock keeps the beat I wait. Tonight is not unlike others I have survived through. It gets later and the alarm light stares at me from across the room to let me know of the looming morning. I take medication prescribed to “help” me sleep but they often fail me. Well that is not true. They work just fine about 2 or 3 hours before the alarm goes off and then I find it hard to wake up. Thus is the cycle of insomnia. To be blunt… it SUCKS!
I turn to the internet. I try to play a mind numbing game. I try to read. I practice deep breathing and relaxation techniques with the help of meditation videos. And then I look at the clock again. It is moving too fast. I practice night-time math. If I fall asleep in a half an hour I can still get “x” number of hours of sleep. Once the equation equals less than 5 I begin to play a game of chance. Rolling the dice on how bad tomorrow would be if I just stay awake. Can I plan on a nap tomorrow sometime? Can I go to sleep earlier tomorrow night – that one is always worth a laugh.
I guess it is time to try again… shut of the computer. Try to just breathe calmly again. Just don’t tell me the key is to count sheep. Here’s hoping this is really “goodnight” my internet friends.
I used to have a best friend who I could talk to about ANYTHING at pretty much anytime. He has moved on… new address, new city, new job, and apparently new friends. For all of last week I tried to reach him with only one response that was about nothing that mattered. I feel like I have lost my soul mate. It at times has been a flirting kind of love, but never more than friends… best friends. Now I feel like I must have done something to offend him. I am lost. I think what hurts most is knowing it probably would be easy for him to forget about me… he has a borderline Asperger and doesn’t feel emotions the same, he has told me many times. He could tell when I was down without a word and could almost always make me laugh or at least smile when I needed it. I am at a loss on what to do… so I talk to the internet.
I hope there is someone out there that might take a minute to read my words. Maybe someone else who has lost a friend and feels alone. Maybe no one. I just know I have to write. My emotions get bottled up and it leads to depression that seems unending. I have anxiety issues all the time and they have been soaring with this loss. So if it is ok with you out there… let me talk to you from time to time. Let me empty my cluttered mind. Let me babble on about nothing important for hundreds of words.
I can’t say I ask nothing in return… I do ask that you take the time to think about how you treat others. Remember they care about you and maybe some days need you too. Be patient with those you love. Don’t use people. ALWAYS tell someone you care about them and they are important in your life… some days that maybe just the boost they need.
I think I will try to sleep now. When my head is full of thoughts I know it is impossible. But now that I have done a word dump I think my head is a little more clear and sleep may come. Thanks for listening… come back every once in a while. I don’t promise great writing, but a friend in the night who is a little unhinged and hates to be alone. Sleep well everyone.