Silent Questions

The awkward silence that follows
My sincere I love you…
The awkward silence eats me alive
Did I do something wrong…
The awkward silence slowly chokes me
Should I have never said a word…
The awkward silence fills me with anxiety
It has to be my fault…
The awkward silence forces me to think
You never loved me to begin with….

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In The Perceived Spotlight

rapid heartbeat
Shallow breaths
The world turns grey
Muted sounds
Everyone stares
The walls are closing in
I can’t catch my breath
My heart beats like a drum
No more focusing on things
Everyone stares
The world is hazy
I feel like I’m dying
No air to breathe
I wish for peace
Everyone stares
Look away
I feel my world collapsing
This will be my end
No one to help me
And still everyone stares

Mumbles… #SemicolonDay2018

Today is an important day to me. It is a day where I celebrate my future. It is World Semicolon Day.

For those of you who do not know, this day is a day for suicide and mental health awareness. The semicolon represents a pause, and like in writing it is not the end of the story. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for more than 10 years now. While I never made an active attempt, I have had suicidal thoughts. I spent a night in the hospital because I was scared of the pills I had on the table beside me. I recognized I was in trouble and got help.

I wear a semicolon on my wrist today in support of others who have struggled. I wear it in honor of two friends who have both been to that point of desperation. For now it is just a temporary mark, but one day I hope to sit at the tattoo parlor and hear them crank up a needle machine for me again.

Do what you can to help someone continue their story. If you know someone who struggles with depression sometimes just being there can make the difference on a bad day. Recognize the symptoms of mental illness and suicide. To learn more go to Project Semicolon  or Lifeline  .

Your story is important and it is NOT over yet!

Always remember 911 for an emergency situations and (in the US) the suicide prevention lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.

The Beast

The beast is asleep
She is silent once more
I am enjoying the day
Smiling
Laughing
Happy
The beast is never far
And quite easily stirred
So today I take advantage of
Peace
Serenity
Love
Just don’t provoke the beast
For she wakes easily
And she will leave me
Bitter
Negative
Sad
I wish to find a day
When the beast will never wake
And I wont have to worry about
Anxiety
Fear
Depression

Panic To Peace

My anxiety hits.
My heart races.
My breathing is rapid.
The room is too small.
Everyone is staring.
I feel like I’m in a dim tunnel,
Then suddenly you are there,
Next to me to calm me.
You grasp my hand in yours,
I feel your strength.
You tell me to breathe,
“In and out,
In and out.”
You sit with me,
Speak calmly to me,
Understand me.
Your hand still wrapped around mine
You softly give me a squeeze
And whisper, “I love you.”
I can finally breathe easy.
My heart is calmer.
I have survived with help from you.
You make me complete.
You bring me peace.