Mumbles … Extreme

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I knew what I wanted to do the minute I saw this, and I will get to that but first.  My life has been to the extremes.  I have had my high points and my lows.  Some people would think this was a low point as I am no longer in a relationship with my boyfriend of nearly ten years, but I feel a definite freedom and weight off of my shoulders.  I had been extremely isolated while he was actually here, but he was too busy with a million other things.  It was time to put me first.  And this past weekend he and his mom left to a small two-bedroom apartment.

So, now I wait for the extremes of depression and anxiety to hit.  I had a lot of high anxiety levers during the pack and leave, but it has been wonderful these last couple of days. I know the lows of depression will come though and I am doing all I can to keep them at bay.  I have a wonderful support group of family and friends who have been there for me.

Tomorrow will be a stressful day as they come back to (hopefully) get all the rest of their stuff they left behind.  Then I will totally free.

Maybe if he had listened to this song and taken notes things would have been different… but I doubt it.  What I thought of first when I saw the prompt… the band Extreme with one of my favorite rock ballads, “More Than Words.”


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – extreme

A Moment of Clarity

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He is unaware of my feelings

Oblivious to my sadness

I have breakthrough moments of happiness

But they are becoming fewer and fewer

Under the watchful eyes in my home

Afraid I will do something wrong

Peace is just a distant memory

Joy a thing of the past

Anxiety paralyses my being

Depression haunts my soul

One day something has to change

And any change is better than this


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – oblivious

Shield Me

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Too much noise

Activity all around

People walking back and forth

Kids yelling and crying

Bombarded by stimuli

I feel it all falling in on me

I have to escape

I can’t focus

It is getting so hard to breathe

And my heart is beating overtime

Please show me the way out

Wrap me in the protection

I can only find in your arms


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – focus

Anxiety

My nerves are frazzled

That is just the way I am

Stress weighs heavy on me

I try the best I can

To handle what comes at me

Day by harrowing day

But sometimes it gets me

And I don’t have a say

As to what my body does

When a panic attack begins

I sit back and surrender

And hope that it soon ends


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – nerve

I Do, I Can’t

I don’t want to smile

But I do

I don’t have it in me to laugh

But I do

I don’t feel like sunshine today

But there is not a cloud in the sky

I do try to stay positive

But I can’t

I do practice staying calm

But I can’t

I do take all my medication

But still I am not well

I don’t want to cry

But I do

I don’t want to ache

But I do

I don’t want to bring everyone down

But my depression is intense

I do what I can to be happy

But I can’t

I do try lean on others

But I can’t

I do everything I can think of to be normal

But my illness always has other plans


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – laugh

In 1775

She stood in front of the class.  Her notes were on the podium within reach, but they seemed a million miles away and out of focus.  The entire class was looking at her; she felt every eye and knew there was judgement by them all.  This speech was a big part of her grade and she was frozen with anxiety.  She remembered what her teacher had said and took a deep breathe and centered on the wall in back instead of a person.  She cleared her throat, glanced at her notes briefly and began her speech on the American Revolution.


(100 words)

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – speech

A to Z Challenge – U

A2Z 2020 logo

The letter U …

There is a lot going on in the world.  A lot of it revolves around a tiny little germ – the corona virus.  As I have mentioned before I have anxiety and this pandemic is not helping it at all.  Then the depression is intensified by the thousands who have died.  But I still go on.

My fibromyalgia is treating me pretty good today.  It hasn’t been too bad of a week even.  Really just sleep problems – can’t get to sleep, trouble waking up (that is due to medication to sleep I think), and the unexpected naps I take.  The aches are always there to some degree, but I am not curled up in pain, I can sit up and write, read and I have made it up and down the stairs a few times today fairly easily.  A shower did not completely wipe me out.  Bottom line is, I am upright and for that I am grateful.

A to Z Challenge – P

A2Z 2020 logo

The letter P …

My case sits next to me.  I will have to refill it tomorrow.  It is my lifeline.  It keeps me going from day to day, as long as I remember them.  It is my pill case.  I take an anti-depressant, anti-anxiety pills, fibromyalgia medicine, some vitamins, allergy meds and an inhaler.  Then there are the muscle relaxers and pain pills I take as needed, as well as a daytime dose of anti-anxiety meds.  I swallow 8 pills in the morning and 6 at night.  But they keep me out of a deep depression, mostly.  I am calm enough to get to sleep instead of staying awake going over and over things in my head.  My fibro flares don’t seem to be as severe.  All those who went through medical trials before me to test out the effectiveness of these drugs have my thanks.  The researchers and scientist have my thanks.  As we see the struggle over finding treatment, a cure, and a vaccine for the corona virus it reminds me of all the work that went into the meds I take.  Bottom line is I am grateful to have the prescriptions I do.