In The Times Of Covid-19

My anxiety

Is at such a high amount;

Bring on the healing.

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – amount

Mumbles … Conflate

It was time for another Google search… who uses the word conflate?  I looked at it and thought cornflakes.  Seriously, I had to look this one up.  It means to combine.  I got to thinking … depression and anxiety are two things that should not be conflated.  Especially with this pandemic happening.

My anxiety makes me worry about the virus 24/7.  And the isolation from keeping up with social distancing just fuels my depression.  So, I worry and try not to cry.  I have to worry about my boyfriend.  he works retail and I am sure not everyone is going to social distance themselves when they are sick.  So they come into the store to (try to) buy cold medicine and tissues and then go through the check-outs coughing everywhere.

My daughter is also a part of a service industry – a coffee shop manager.  Corporate headquarters and state mandates mean she is still open but only for to go and drive-thru orders.  And wouldn’t you know it… people come through a drive-thru sick also.

I have seen it multiple times on Facebook recently – thank a truck driver bringing supplies, thank retail workers stocking and selling you items you need, thank the medical community as they all are putting their own health on the line to serve you.

I should stop mumbling and try to read more posts that I am behind on.  I have just conflated a bunch of words together to make a semi-coherent blog.  Hope you all stay safe!  (((HUGS)))

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – conflate

Fandango’s Friday Flashback – March 13

I have a little time to sneak in this post this week.  I go back to 2017 when I was doing a daily happiness and gratitude challenge originally posted here.

Happy and Grateful – Day 71

As March begins I continue with my goal to find happiness and gratitude every day.  There is at least some small thing that can bring a smile and give you a moment to be grateful for.  Please join me in looking for the good moments of the day … it would be great if you would share them in the comments or on your own blog.  Be aware of the little wonders of the day!

Today I have spent a lot of it worrying.  Worrying is something I am really good at, I learned worrying from my Mom.  She would stay up late listening to the police scanner when my Dad worked overnight shift as a policeman.  So I definitely learned a thing or two from her.

First there is a winter storm advisory out for the night.  Last I looked we had a couple of inches of snow already.  But we aren’t supposed to get more than 5 inches.  Probably the most we have had in a storm this year, but I have been through a lot worse in the past.  My biggest concern was my daughter getting home from work and she made it fine.

I have also been worried about a friend who is seeing his biological father for the first time in a lot of years.  He never really knew him at all growing up and they were meeting tonight.  I felt better after he texted me things went ok for the night.

My worrying has been done for the day.  I am happy I can relax a little now.  Taking my anxiety meds will help too.  I am grateful every one is safe and happy.  Now if I can just get my tension level down enough to sleep…

 

 

Fandango’s Friday Flashback (FFF) – March 13

Slip, Trip and Fall

The view from down here

Is not a pretty site

And just when I think

I can’t fall any further

I slip on my depression

And trip over my anxieties

I pray I soon reach the bottom

So I can focus on the way

To climb back to the top

But right now I can’t

Let go of my painful past

Or stop fearing what comes next

So I fall another feet or two

Losing a little more of who it am

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – top

Open Mic Night

black and gray microphone
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

“No!  I told you I refuse to do it.  I just can’t handle the pressure with my anxiety.”  The woman looked upset and paced back and forth in the kitchen.

“Come on babe it will be fun, you’ll see.” He sat down in a chair at the table and added, “You know your words are great.”

“You are just saying that.  I’m an amateur and some of those people have been at it their whole lives.”

“Didn’t you tell me you started writing in middle school?”

“Yeah but that was lonely crap.”

“Come on, for me babe.  You just need to read one poem on stage.  And who knows, you could get that book deal you have always wanted then.”

“If you drive so I can take an anxiety pill.  I will read ONE very short poem.”

“Oh, honey that is great!  Now let’s go get ready and print out one of your best poems.”

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – refuse

A Mountain Out Of A Molehill

It starts small

A spark of an idea

That grows in size

From a problem

To a full blown crisis

I imagine the worst

I did something wrong

I drove him away

It was all me

That brought this to an end

I will never see him again

He will hate me forever

But it’s only my anxieties

Taking full rein

Charging into chaos

Leaving me to blame

I take a deep breath

And reevaluate things

It is really not so bad

I think it will all pass

Without more drama

If only I relax

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – crisis

Mumbles … Honest

This should just be a day like all the rest.  But to be honest, I am a bit of a wreck today.  Seventeen years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  It was treated with surgery, chemo and radiation and hasn’t come back.  However, I go in yearly now for my mammograms and every year, no matter how long ago my cancer was, I still worry it will return.  It is about an hour and forty-five minutes away from the test and I can hardly sit still.  I know the odds are in my favor logically, but every year I still worry.

Just a short time after my treatments were done, a woman I knew, who was going through cancer round three, was diagnosed and died from brain cancer.  Another woman I was acquainted with had to have a double mastectomy for her cancer.  I just think of how much worse it could have been or might become and I panic.

The test is a piece of cake.  I was smashed a lot that first year or two.  Nothing will ever be as bad as the needle localized biopsy when they had to leave me in the machine to insert a needle and then check to make sure they got it in the right place… I was probably in the machine 5 to 10 minutes, but it seemed like FOREVER.  So just a regular mammogram is easy.

I am going to try to read some more posts and keep my mind off things.  Worst is I probably won’t hear back from them until Monday or Tuesday.  Oh well, I do have my anxiety meds if I need them.  So, I will stop mumbling for now and go read some more blogs.  Anything to keep my mind busy.

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – honest