She stood in front of the class. Her notes were on the podium within reach, but they seemed a million miles away and out of focus. The entire class was looking at her; she felt every eye and knew there was judgement by them all. This speech was a big part of her grade and she was frozen with anxiety. She remembered what her teacher had said and took a deep breathe and centered on the wall in back instead of a person. She cleared her throat, glanced at her notes briefly and began her speech on the American Revolution.
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – speech
There is a lot going on in the world. A lot of it revolves around a tiny little germ – the corona virus. As I have mentioned before I have anxiety and this pandemic is not helping it at all. Then the depression is intensified by the thousands who have died. But I still go on.
My fibromyalgia is treating me pretty good today. It hasn’t been too bad of a week even. Really just sleep problems – can’t get to sleep, trouble waking up (that is due to medication to sleep I think), and the unexpected naps I take. The aches are always there to some degree, but I am not curled up in pain, I can sit up and write, read and I have made it up and down the stairs a few times today fairly easily. A shower did not completely wipe me out. Bottom line is, I am upright and for that I am grateful.
My case sits next to me. I will have to refill it tomorrow. It is my lifeline. It keeps me going from day to day, as long as I remember them. It is my pill case. I take an anti-depressant, anti-anxiety pills, fibromyalgia medicine, some vitamins, allergy meds and an inhaler. Then there are the muscle relaxers and pain pills I take as needed, as well as a daytime dose of anti-anxiety meds. I swallow 8 pills in the morning and 6 at night. But they keep me out of a deep depression, mostly. I am calm enough to get to sleep instead of staying awake going over and over things in my head. My fibro flares don’t seem to be as severe. All those who went through medical trials before me to test out the effectiveness of these drugs have my thanks. The researchers and scientist have my thanks. As we see the struggle over finding treatment, a cure, and a vaccine for the corona virus it reminds me of all the work that went into the meds I take. Bottom line is I am grateful to have the prescriptions I do.
It was time for another Google search… who uses the word conflate? I looked at it and thought cornflakes. Seriously, I had to look this one up. It means to combine. I got to thinking … depression and anxiety are two things that should not be conflated. Especially with this pandemic happening.
My anxiety makes me worry about the virus 24/7. And the isolation from keeping up with social distancing just fuels my depression. So, I worry and try not to cry. I have to worry about my boyfriend. he works retail and I am sure not everyone is going to social distance themselves when they are sick. So they come into the store to (try to) buy cold medicine and tissues and then go through the check-outs coughing everywhere.
My daughter is also a part of a service industry – a coffee shop manager. Corporate headquarters and state mandates mean she is still open but only for to go and drive-thru orders. And wouldn’t you know it… people come through a drive-thru sick also.
I have seen it multiple times on Facebook recently – thank a truck driver bringing supplies, thank retail workers stocking and selling you items you need, thank the medical community as they all are putting their own health on the line to serve you.
I should stop mumbling and try to read more posts that I am behind on. I have just conflated a bunch of words together to make a semi-coherent blog. Hope you all stay safe! (((HUGS)))
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – conflate
I have a little time to sneak in this post this week. I go back to 2017 when I was doing a daily happiness and gratitude challenge originally posted here.
Happy and Grateful – Day 71
As March begins I continue with my goal to find happiness and gratitude every day. There is at least some small thing that can bring a smile and give you a moment to be grateful for. Please join me in looking for the good moments of the day … it would be great if you would share them in the comments or on your own blog. Be aware of the little wonders of the day!
Today I have spent a lot of it worrying. Worrying is something I am really good at, I learned worrying from my Mom. She would stay up late listening to the police scanner when my Dad worked overnight shift as a policeman. So I definitely learned a thing or two from her.
First there is a winter storm advisory out for the night. Last I looked we had a couple of inches of snow already. But we aren’t supposed to get more than 5 inches. Probably the most we have had in a storm this year, but I have been through a lot worse in the past. My biggest concern was my daughter getting home from work and she made it fine.
I have also been worried about a friend who is seeing his biological father for the first time in a lot of years. He never really knew him at all growing up and they were meeting tonight. I felt better after he texted me things went ok for the night.
My worrying has been done for the day. I am happy I can relax a little now. Taking my anxiety meds will help too. I am grateful every one is safe and happy. Now if I can just get my tension level down enough to sleep…
This should just be a day like all the rest. But to be honest, I am a bit of a wreck today. Seventeen years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was treated with surgery, chemo and radiation and hasn’t come back. However, I go in yearly now for my mammograms and every year, no matter how long ago my cancer was, I still worry it will return. It is about an hour and forty-five minutes away from the test and I can hardly sit still. I know the odds are in my favor logically, but every year I still worry.
Just a short time after my treatments were done, a woman I knew, who was going through cancer round three, was diagnosed and died from brain cancer. Another woman I was acquainted with had to have a double mastectomy for her cancer. I just think of how much worse it could have been or might become and I panic.
The test is a piece of cake. I was smashed a lot that first year or two. Nothing will ever be as bad as the needle localized biopsy when they had to leave me in the machine to insert a needle and then check to make sure they got it in the right place… I was probably in the machine 5 to 10 minutes, but it seemed like FOREVER. So just a regular mammogram is easy.
I am going to try to read some more posts and keep my mind off things. Worst is I probably won’t hear back from them until Monday or Tuesday. Oh well, I do have my anxiety meds if I need them. So, I will stop mumbling for now and go read some more blogs. Anything to keep my mind busy.
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – honest