Mumbles … Health

I sit here tonight after another day of working on cleaning out my Dad’s house feeling exhausted.  That is one of the biggest problems I have with my health – chronic fatigue.  I wish that was all there was, but the fibromyalgia makes me hurt all over, the depression makes me feel all alone and worthless and the anxiety makes me fear going everything.  It is an awful mix.

My health has made my life next to impossible some days.  I have had extremely dark moments when I want so badly to escape from my life, moment where I could barely get out of bed and panic attacks that made me feel I was having a heart attack.  Lately I have struggled with more depression, but between my Dad dying and the continued grey snowy/rainy days we have had it is understandable.  But my doctor just tweaked my prescriptions some and we will see if I start feeling better.

I manage some days ok, with my anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills, pain meds and muscle relaxers.  There is not a thing to take that takes away the fatigue.  I can sleep 6, 8, 10 hours and still need a nap (or two) during the day.  Some days I succumb to that need while other days I fight through it and manage to stay awake.

I write out my pain, despair, and fears when things get tough.  I read to distract my mind.  I connect with friends to find some worth.  I am not healthy, but I am still putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.  That is the only direction to go.

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – health

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growing anxiety

i have to be strong
hide my feelings
i have to appear normal
act like i’m fine

i am determined to blend in
no tears that stand out
no flashy clothes
no attention brought to me

i have to push away
my depression and anxiety
i have to say goodbye
with the whole town watching

 

Written for Fandango’s One-World Challenge (FOWC) – determined

Madness At Midnight

night seeps into the day

devouring the light

shadows grow in all corners

doubts take hold

knowing I wasted another day

slowly the demons gather

as madness draws me in

distorting all hope and happiness

I am convinced

I destroy all I touch

anxiety consumes

leaving only me to blame

as I grow quite mad…

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – madness

Hang On Tight

She drove through town in a haphazard fashion. Her life was so complicated and she was just trying to get to a place of peace, anyplace without the headaches of her life. She found herself at a local park and pulled into a parking space by the creek.

She stood on the bridge and breathed deep the crisp fall air. Her relationship was in tatters, her Mom was sick and work had become an exercise in trying to control her anxieties.

Tomorrow she was seeing a new therapist. It had to help… she was at the end of her rope.

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – haphazard

Round One

In this corner
the defendant
weighing down my life
is depression
In the other corner
the opponent
bouncing around
is anxiety
Hitting below the belt is fine,
use every trick in the book
Now come out fighting
trying to take control
of this shell of a body

This daily struggle
goes on in my head
and I just wait to see
who will have superiority
and how bad my day will be
or if both will cause a TKO
and in bed I am meant to stay

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – opponent

My Wish

If I had one wish
I would want this…
To be comfortable
In my own skin
Take the pain away
Take away the fears
Leave anxiety behind
And shake the depression
No more casting doubt
And shadows upon myself
Living with hope
And not inward hate
A chance to stop
Always blaming me
For maybe just this once
I could be happy
Being me

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – comfortable

Instinct Overload

It sneaks up on me
In the middle of the day
It creeps in the shadows
Late at night
It twists my insides
Into knots of pain
It grasps my heart
And won’t let go
It distorts my view
Of a normal day
It destroys my peace
With its wild assumptions
… we need fear
As it’s a basic instinct
But can’t it just go away
If only for a day

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – fear