Lots of traffic
People driving fast
Unfamiliar surroundings
And crowds that are vast
Falling great heights
Tornadoes in the skies
Strangers at my door
People telling lies
Changes can be daunting
And hard to accept
Anxiety is for real
Give the feeling some respect
Fear is a powerful thing. It has its firm grip on me most days in one way. From not knowing how I feel from day to day with fibromyalgia and depression to driving in rush hour traffic. From threats from the weather to being worried about bills. I worry and am afraid of a lot. Those are things I can’t really control. But what am I most scared of doing… that is a tough one.
I think the one thing that people seem surprised by that I have a lot of fear about is driving on the interstate. If it was just me on the road, I wouldn’t even be driving 75mph likely. I see on the news too many accidents at high speeds with deaths occurring. Put me on a road with people easily going five to ten mph over the speed limit and I am such a nervous wreck. I don’t like the high number of cars and hate the higher speeds.
What would it take to get me off the secondary state highways with a 55mph speed limit back onto the interstate? I don’t know if I will ever be able to again. I see myself as a hazard in that situation, because I get nervous and slow down. I am not the least little bit an aggressive driver so I would never be able to cross two lanes or more to get to an exit… it just would add more stress and anxiety. No, I can’t see it ever happening again. It is highways and through towns instead of interstates and byways. Besides, doesn’t slow and steady win the race?
I try not to complain, but I am tired. Tired of being tired and/or fatigued. No one likes pain, but I can adapt and even over-the-counter pain relievers do ease it up a bit. Best thing is, if I can, I sleep through it some. But no amount of caffeine can combat fibro fatigue.
I feel like my arms and legs are made of lead. I can sit at my computer and suddenly wake up fifteen minutes to two hours later. It is very frustrating and the one thing I complain about the most, I think.
The worst part is that no matter if I sleep three or twelve hours, I wake up feeling the same way – fatigued. And I can be fatigued all day and lay down at night and still struggle to get to sleep because of anxiety issues. I wouldn’t wish fibromyalgia (or chronic fatigue syndrome) on even my worst enemy!
I grew up in a household that was big on watching football – both NFL and college games. The other big sport as a kid was the Indy 500 and a handful of NASCAR races. As I have aged, I learned to like football and having a couple of people in the family attend Iowa State University, I do cheer on their college team in both football and basketball. I am not as much into racing though (teams change drivers too often – it is hard to keep straight) but do try to catch the Indy 500 and Daytona 500 or some parts of the races.
I watch the Super Bowl every year. Some years for the teams and some years for the commercials. I was so hoping the underdog Detroit Lions would get into the Super Bowl with a win in the playoff games last night… it looked so good the first half, but San Fransico won out. The Lions have never been in a Super Bowl, and I really hoped this was their year, but Brock Purdy (who happens to have gone to Iowa State University) led the 49ers to the win. About the only other sport I watch is a little of the World Series usually.
Playing sports… hmmm? I do not run. That takes out a lot of sports. I have done a little bit of golf, but it is a rather expensive sport and of the three people I used to play with only one is alive and she is out of town now. I do enjoy a good game of bowling now and again but is it a sport or a game? That leaves walking. And a nice trip through the park is always good. I am just not a big sports person, I have never been and my fibro makes it closer to impossible now.
I addressed this idea a few years back. On October 22nd back in 2016 I wrote for the word prompt “millions.” Here is what I thought then…
Millions… I wanted to write a poem about a dream I’ve had a million times, but the words just would not flow. So lets talk about a different kind of dream. If I won a million dollars in the lottery…
The logical first step would be to talk to a lawyer. My mom instilled in me the importance of saving money, so the smart thing to do would be to put half in savings. Ideally some kind of an account I cannot touch that would earn a guaranteed amount of interest that would be a yearly “income”.
The other half a million… what would be the fun things I would buy? I would start with home… maybe look into a townhouse. I would like at least a 3 bedroom place so I can have friends and family over. I like the car I am driving, it is not too old so no need for a car, but maybe I would look into an RV to travel in.
The money will not be for diamonds and furs. I would rather have opals and jeans and t-shirts. Honestly I don’t wear a lot of jewelry and anything of any value I would be afraid of losing or breaking it. And I would not want a full lifestyle change where I had to invest in gowns and formal wear. I want to be able to go to the supermarket still and check the local Wal-Mart or Target for a bargain.
I know it is cliché to say that I don’t want it to change me, but I know it would in some ways. I would love to expand my ability (which is now at zero) to help some charities I really believe in. And it would be nice to not have to budget out whether or not I can afford a cup of coffee.
It is always fun to think about what more money could do to my life. Now if someone would just let me win to prove how it would not change me… LOL
***
The only update I can think to this is that I no longer want a townhouse. I still want 3 bedrooms but also a basement and office in a one story house now. There would be room for both me and my boyfriend and our hobbies, plus a guest could still visit. I think everything else is about the same. I just want a little more space between me and the neighbors. I had enough apartment and townhouse living for my life now … the only benefit is someone else does repairs and I wouldn’t have to hire it done. But with a million I think I could handle that.
Photo credit – Bing Image Creator
In short… any. With Fibromyalgia I have issues with concentration and what is called fibro fog. It leaves me forgetting what I read from one night to the next. I do a little better with audio books… but can fall asleep during them when I am fatigued and have trouble finding where I was in the book.
I used to read a lot. I read to my daughter as she was growing up and had my own books going and kept them separate, now I struggle with one. I keep hoping for a good day when I am not foggy to read but then I find I have other things I have to do like paying bills and filing paperwork I put off when I can’t concentrate.
I still buy books. I have some from someone my dad used to work with I mean to read. Found a memoir by Alan Rickman I really want to read. And my daughter has a stack of about 6 or 7 now she wants me to read. I should just pick a half an hour everyday and no matter how many times I have to reread I should just try anyway. Maybe it would be like strengthening a muscle and get better the more I do it.
I find something I used to do often for hours now frustrating and wish I didn’t have to fight to follow books now. Maybe someday they will find some help for that part of fibro… until then I will focus when I can.
Sadly (on this day of five years since his death), Dad’s dying ended a lot of our family traditions. My sister is busy with her life and my daughter, and her husband have their own plans. About the only thing we still gather for is Christmas in January.
It is really sad when the “glue” of the family dies and there is no one left to pull the family together. I have seen the bond growing weaker and weaker with the passing of my mom, grandma and then dad. I can recall many traditions I had growing up I tried to pass on to my daughter, but I think about the only one passed on successfully was the tradition of a light cinnamon roll breakfast on Christmas morning as there are usually treats to eat and a big dinner planned later in the day.
Some fond memories still come with those traditions in my past though… green macaroni and cheese on St. Patrick Day, huge batches of popcorn made for March madness, chili and corn bread for the Super Bowl and dinner out (at the place chosen by the birthday girl or boy) and gifts on birthdays. I notice all of those revolve around food… maybe it is healthier not to carry on those traditions. I still miss them though, almost as much as I miss my dad today and every day. Hang onto your family, they are only with us a short time.
Have you ever had a feeling of déjà vu? You know, a time when something seems so familiar like you have been there before, talked to those people, heard those words before. That is what just happened to me. I logged in and read today’s prompt and felt like I had read these words before – just Tuesday the prompt was to “list 5 things you do for fun.” If you do them for fun isn’t that during your leisure time?
So, I will approach this from a different perspective. How often do you have déjà vu? I have had that feeling many times. Not so much that I can say it is once a week or anything but probably a few times a year. And sometimes it can be very jarring if it is a strong feeling. Usually, it is just a minor familiarity but other times, down to the sights, sounds and smells around me, everything is familiar.
Does this mean I have lived that moment before? Am I meeting those from past lives, and we are all in a loop to reconnect? I can’t say for sure, but I kind of doubt it. I can’t explain why a moment feels so strongly of déjà vu, but I can say I take note of the situation. If it comes with fear or dread, I am more on guard. If it comes with joy and happiness, I fully embrace the moment. How about you? How do you deal with déjà vu?
There are many attractions here in Iowa I have not seen that would be good to visit. Some I have seen that I would like to revisit too. I know a fall scenic train ride would be fun. A visit to the Mississippi River Museum and Aquarium has always intrigued me but the one place I have always wanted to go to is in the springtime.
There is festival in the town of Pella that showcases the thousands of tulips the town grows every year. It was started in 1935 to showcase the town’s Dutch heritage. In the fall of ’35 85,000 tulips were planted for the following year. And this became known as Pella’s Tulip Time. Now there are nearly a quarter million bulbs planted as near as I can tell from the event website. There are museums to see, a Dutch windmill and LOTS of wonderful food from what I hear. I have lived in Iowa my whole life and have never made it there but one spring I will… the pictures of the tulips are amazing! Blooms forever in town.
Until then I will settle for the local parks and their little flower beds. Maybe a neighbor’s flower or two and if I do move like I am planning in the next couple of years… just maybe a couple of tulips in my own yard.
Let’s have some fun… how do we do that? Let me tell you…
2. Writing in some form.
3. Playing games with family and friends.
4. Getting ink on my hands – aka making greeting cards/crafting.
5. Walking in the park with camera in hand taking nature photographs (followed by editing them).
What do YOU like to do for fun?
Leigha Robbins 