Depression, anxiety… a tug of war in my head. I have a muddled pile of thoughts all squished together screaming for a way out of my mind. I have found in the last two years as my symptoms have gotten worse my friends seem to disappear more and more. The best thing to do for a friend suffering is be there for them…. but if you are there for a long time and then suddenly put up a wall it will slowly eat away at any hopes. A friend I always depended on, who was always there with advice or a good distraction is now a ghost of a memory. Nothing more than the other “friends” who became silent right after I said I was sick. But you know if I had suffered from a broken arm, they all would have lined up to sign my cast. Depression is not something to fear… it is NOT contagious. I battled cancer more than 10 years ago and friends brought me food so I didn’t have to cook and offered rides to treatments and covering hours at work…. but depression is like turning on the lights in a roach infested apartment. Everyone just scattered.
So along with medication I write. I used to write to a “friend” but they stopped responding. Now I write poems and the occasional blog. I need to write more. I need to find an outlet for the screams that echo inside. If no one ever reads my blog it is no different than my vanishing friends. If I reach one person who feels less alone in a similar battle it is great. But if I can help one “friend” to learn the way to help I would be overjoyed that some one out there will get the support that they need. The tug of war is harder some days than others, but I refuse to let go of the rope. I will prevail…. with or without someone who cares.