One, Two, Three PULL

Depression, anxiety… a tug of war in my head.  I have a muddled pile of thoughts all squished together screaming for a way out of my mind.  I have found in the last two years as my symptoms have gotten worse my friends seem to disappear more and more.  The best thing to do for a friend suffering is be there for them…. but if you are there for a long time and then suddenly put up a wall it will slowly eat away at any hopes.  A friend I always depended on, who was always there with advice or a good distraction is now a ghost of a memory.  Nothing more than the other “friends” who became silent right after I said I was sick.  But you know if I had suffered from a broken arm, they all would have lined up to sign my cast.  Depression is not something to fear… it is NOT contagious.  I battled cancer more than 10 years ago and friends brought me food so I didn’t have to cook and offered rides to treatments and covering hours at work…. but depression is like turning on the lights in a roach infested apartment.  Everyone just scattered.

So along with medication I write.  I used to write to a “friend” but they stopped responding.  Now I write poems and the occasional blog.  I need to write more.  I need to find an outlet for the screams that echo inside.  If no one ever reads my blog it is no different than my vanishing friends.  If I reach one person who feels less alone in a similar battle it is great.  But if I can help one “friend” to learn the way to help I would be overjoyed that some one out there will get the support that they need.  The tug of war is harder some days than others, but I refuse to let go of the rope.  I will prevail…. with or without someone who cares.

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