To whom it may concern,
I am still here, but not sure why. I battle depression everyday and today is a bad day. My boyfriend has a birthday tomorrow and I can’t afford to buy him anything. I found out my cat is diabetic and need $65 a bag specialty food now. I have fibromyalgia and am in a painful flare right now. I am in debt until 10 years past my death. I am feeling very small under a mountain of problems. So I write yet again.
I write to relieve some of the stress. Let some of the pain bleed through the “ink” to soak into a clean fresh page, ultimately to give me a fresh start when I am done. I feel pointless with my worries. I have dealt with addicts (alcohol mainly) a lot of my life and I know I have to focus on me because I cannot control them. Two of them especially … one died from a heart attack and the other from liver failure far to young.
I want to help… that is the codependent in me trying to fix everything. And with one friend in the hospital and one friend facing jail time I feel I should be able to do SOMETHING to help. But when I turn to the places that are supposed to help me, I feel very out-of-place. I never dealt with physical violence with any of the addicts. Thank God, my husband of 20 years never got behind a steering wheel after drinking. So many are in real fear for their lives… my problems seem small.
I need to purge and I know this is all coming at top speed in no organized order really.. kind of like my chaotic life. In Al-anon the first step is realizing our life is unmanageable… I am so there tonight. Every thought swirling and making me dizzy. My mind in overdrive trying to find a “free” way to celebrate my boyfriends birthday in a special way. Trying to pray for money to show up somewhere so I can pay to talk to my friend while he is in jail. Hoping my other friend comes out the other side of her illness and heads home to her beautiful baby girl. Oh wait… there is also the friend who has stage 4 cancer… with treatment she may have years but without only months.
So my mind is revving up, racing thoughts take turns on the track, as that damn hamster keeps squeaking on the wheel running on forever with my thoughts. If I could just silence my head a bit. If I could find calm. If I could SLEEP. If is a rotten word…
So to those of you who are reading this ramble, thank you! It is good to know there may be someone out there who notices a small insignificant writer from the Midwest who is just searching for some peace. Page by page, word by word and letter by letter I can lose some of the tensions. I feel my heart is not racing as fast. I am breathing a little more deeply and can feel a chance at sleep. If I don’t stop not and take it, that fleeting moment may be gone for a couple more hours. I hope you get some rest too… thanks again for listening. my invisible audience I hope is out there. Good night!