Look Straight Ahead

I stare ahead

Fish swimming

Inside the aquarium

Not looking elsewhere

Afraid the others

Will judge and wonder

What I am doing here

At the psychiatrist’s office

I am getting better

Not so afraid

Of who I am

I am disabled

Frozen by anxiety

Saddened by depression

Pained by fibromyalgia

But inside I am still

me

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – aquarium

Mumbles … Health

I sit here tonight after another day of working on cleaning out my Dad’s house feeling exhausted.  That is one of the biggest problems I have with my health – chronic fatigue.  I wish that was all there was, but the fibromyalgia makes me hurt all over, the depression makes me feel all alone and worthless and the anxiety makes me fear going everything.  It is an awful mix.

My health has made my life next to impossible some days.  I have had extremely dark moments when I want so badly to escape from my life, moment where I could barely get out of bed and panic attacks that made me feel I was having a heart attack.  Lately I have struggled with more depression, but between my Dad dying and the continued grey snowy/rainy days we have had it is understandable.  But my doctor just tweaked my prescriptions some and we will see if I start feeling better.

I manage some days ok, with my anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills, pain meds and muscle relaxers.  There is not a thing to take that takes away the fatigue.  I can sleep 6, 8, 10 hours and still need a nap (or two) during the day.  Some days I succumb to that need while other days I fight through it and manage to stay awake.

I write out my pain, despair, and fears when things get tough.  I read to distract my mind.  I connect with friends to find some worth.  I am not healthy, but I am still putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.  That is the only direction to go.

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – health

Mumbles …Relative

Relative is the word I am working on today… I’m not quite smart enough to address the theory of relativity. Not feeling a comparison post where it is all relative. But I can talk about a relative of two.

I have mentioned my Dad’s failing health and just yesterday evening I got a call from his caregiver and he had taken a fall. Shot my heart right up into my throat and I drove there as soon as I could. Luckily he did not get hurt other than a scrape to his elbow.

Now I live about 15 minutes away so I had called my sister to get there to try to help lift my Dad up off the floor, as she is less than 5 minutes away. It just amazes me how two siblings can be so different. She is a wiz with handling Dad’s finances, but when asked to sit with him for a short while… I get back a “I am not a nurturer like you.” It is her Dad… how hard can it be to just TALK to him for a half an hour or so.

This fall and his two hour wait on the floor (he had his cell phone, but couldn’t figure out how to use it) for someone to get him hits my heart hard. I don’t know how much more I can physically and emotionally do. My sister said on the way out, “Might not be able to stay here much longer.” And a part of me is afraid she is right. I hate the thought of putting him in a nursing home, but am afraid he needs more care than assisted living would give him.

This makes me think of my grandmother who took in her own mom and took care of her in the end of her life and still kept the books for my grandfather’s business and ran the household perfectly, still having time to volunteer at the church even. How could she do all of that and I am having troubles just making it through the nights?

I love my Dad and hope and pray he can stay home a little while longer. But fate may have other plans. Do you have a relative you care for? It is tough job, and I am learning not everyone can do it.

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – relative

Burned Out

we put ourselves on trial
in oh so many ways
judging ourselves harshly
about the way we feel each day
and should we stop and rest
it feels like it’s a crime
putting our feet up to relax
for just a short time
we need to think about ourselves
and how we burn our fuse
for if we over do it
there will be nothing of us to use

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – trial

In My Dreams

My health has resulted in

A chart filled with diagnoses

One disease blends into another

My dreams are filled with a panacea

To chase all symptoms away

But so far there are no cures

Only management by meds

So I slip back into slumber

For a brief hour or two of sleep

And dream of that wonder pill

So I can be normal again